chances and doubts

it's funny how you can learn about yourself from others. it's funny how you can discover so much about your well-being from others.

i'm the type of people that wants to know so much about myself just to be clear and sure about the choices i made, the chances i took.
is it the right thing to do?
will i regret this in the future?
will i not want to change anything about this?

for the past year, my life has been on fast forward. everything was so quick that i didn't have a decent time to analyze things. yeah, been jumping around from one thing to another, still feels like it.

don't get me wrong, it's not about school. coz i think i can handle most of it. the one that i have trouble handling is my raging emotion. yes, i am a drama queen, some times. yes, i also can shut myself down just to guard up, at times.

couple days ago, Marcha asked me about my love life. oh yeah, that is one thing to talk about ...
what about love? what about our promises?
- Austin Mahone
love life has been so jumpy. i just don't want to even feel anymore. all started in August 2012 and it's been a year. still so irritated and hurt.


i was on the shortlist of Singapore Scholarship in 2012, just call it a date.
1st date was paperworks. 2nd date was academical test. and 3rd one was interview. guess what ... i got dumped on 3rd date, big deal ... *shrugs* moving on was not hard at all, i just cry my heart out then left feeling quite ok. surrender to the fact that the scholarship love somebody else.
more so with love life, ... a wise woman once said "never give up, unless you're really stuck" and for now i think i'm done trying, was not stuck yet just tired. should i ? or should i not?
should i take the chances that are an arm-length ? what outcome will i get if i take it? what will happen if i don't take it?

it has been a year that i doubt myself. am i good enough? am i achieving what i call a dream?
this phase affect me so deep, shadows me and puts me on a crate of i-don't-know-what.
for those who are close to me, inside and out, will just shook their heads. they kinda had enough of this phase. doubts, on yourself, is lethal. you will just exhaust yourself up. "get yourself a break and just be positive. ok?" powerful mantra that i always use.

the exchange program or just a vacay to Phuket and the friends made on the trip was a thing that i can be proud of. i stepped outta my comfort zone for a week and now they are my comfort zone. it was an escape, completely myself with no excess luggage (except for my suitcases). Anya said i was lovely, fun, and all the nicest things she said.. as i said, i was free to be me. new environment, new friends, new chances, new perspective.
here, some smooches for my TISFiP2013 friends.

here comes the funny part, ..
it's my 5th semester. i signed up for PSDM or Human Resource Development. i am eager to take the class, just coz i love learning about people. and guess what ... Mr. Hirmana is hosting the class. SCORE!! my friends said he's chill and fun. worth a try to spice up the semester that has been so boooooorrring.

not the actual lecture that got me off guard, really.
that class, well at least for me, is "LIFE LESSON 101" for now.
it's the moment that i can do "deep learning", as Mr. Hirmana always says, on my self. cool stuff is underrated. he's a story-teller in his own way. not about how he teaches the subject but it's about how he preach. he gave me so much to think through. it's been a freakin' year that i have been so bitter, irritated, and hurt.. just like an open wound. i just get some moment of clarity in his class. it's so demure and muted. it's soft enough to digest yet harsh enough to make a wake-up call. he won't even realize.

tho now i can walk with easier and lighter steps, the fog of doubt is still there hanging above my head, making it hard to see the chances available. it's a blur.
what will be revealed?
will i be brave enough to jump and reach the chances given?
is the big picture gonna be worth the risk?
will i ever regret anything?
what if ...

got this from Deri's LINE convos.